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A few nights ago, a friend told me something that I know will change me for the rest of my life. Now, you probably don’t know this, but I’ve been harboring a great pain from the social relationships I had in high school for many years. Four, to be exact.
These people tormented me. They made go so far as to make me hate myself and hate who I was as a person. All of that self torture because I rejected how they lived their lives. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I remember asking myself everyday why I existed. Why was I dealt such a cruel life of torment? What was the point of having gifts (as my teachers would tell me) if I couldn’t be happy? There seemed to be only one solution to this wretched life I lived.
My “reason for existing” in high school
I decided think of my classmates as worthless. I felt that if I belittled them mentally, the actions of my tormentors couldn’t affect me. For a while, it was a pretty good solution. Whenever they called me names like ‘loser’ or ‘lame’, I’d simply think to myself that one day, I’d be something, and they….they’d be NOTHING. I had daydreams of me returning to my high school reunion and seeing them have nothing to show but their pathetic lives. I was the only one who was successful. The ONLY one who made a name for himself. As a success, I’d become a sort of symbol of how you can defy all odds and still rise to the top.
With this recurring thought in my mind, I aligned myself with a truth I didn’t even know about until just a few nights ago. I hated them – and looked down on them all.
When my solution became my problem
Of course, accepting hate into my life did not come without its consequences. Though it allowed me to build a seemingly impenetrable wall around my emotions, there were times when I’d write off certain individuals as my enemies, when they simply wanted to relate to me. I didn’t realize this at the time – I had been seriously affected by consistent teasing on a daily basis. The only solution to defend myself was to deflect everybody.
In effect, hatred had changed me – from outgoing and friendly, to closed off, mistrustful, and angry. Hatred became my greatest weapon…and my only real friend.
A spot of light within the darkness
For some reason, I had come across a few individuals who were just like me – except happier. They welcomed me with open arms, as if they’d been waiting for me to come join them. They didn’t try to fit in with everyone else. These kids understood my plight. One of them asked me why I hadn’t sat with them in the first place. I said I didn’t know.
When class ended, I couldn’t wait to see them again, but I soon recollected that it was the last day of school. Maybe if I had sat with them earlier during my high school career, I wouldn’t have been so effected by being made fun of by the more popular kids. I felt guilty when I returned home from school. But even then, I knew my best friend, hatred, would always be there, through thick and thin. I soon decided that it wasn’t my fault I never knew the group that accepted me. It was my enemies from high school who kept my eyes closed. They ruined what could’ve became lifelong friendships.
From that day forth, I made a pact with myself. If I could become someone successful, I’d try and do something for kids at other schools who were just like me; ridiculed for being who they were. While this dream seemed noble at first, it too grew to be twisted by hate. For the next two years after high school, my motivation for success greatly involved helping those who were teased in order to spite those who picked on the weak.
The consequences of my choice
It’s easy to see where things went on from there. I tried to change who I was in college. I wouldn’t let others make me a doormat. I wouldn’t care what other people thought of me. I’d act in a way that only I deemed fit. Ultimately, things turned out great. Better than I expected… except for one little thing:
I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone. I’d figure they would betray my trust, just like the others in high school. My hate wouldn’t let me forget the pain I felt prior. It’s funny because this ENTIRE time, I had no idea that what I felt was hate. I figured it was natural to just REALLY not like certain people.
Fast forward to three nights ago
It was about three in the morning. I felt this conversation on life was getting me nowhere. I was discussing with my friend why I couldn’t let the past go, despite my several affirmations to do so.
“This has been going on for how long?” my friend asked.
“About four years, since sophomore year of high school”, I dryly replied.
“What did these people do to you to make you like this? Why don’t you just let this go?”
“I can’t. I don’t know why. I’ve tried…but whenever I remember the past…I just…”
“…Do you hate them?”
My body responded faster than I was able to control. I started to smile, as if to signal that my friend had hit the nail on the head.
“Yeah…I do.”
Fight hatefulness with forgiveness
From that day forward, I’ve tried to forgive my former enemies for what they did to me. It’s not an easy thing to do, forgiving someone who caused you so much hurt. The memories are much less prevalent now, but I can still remember how I felt. How I boiled with rage if anyone even so much as mentioned my high school’s name. Now I see that a path of hatred is wrong. Even after I left high school, my obsession with “paying them back someday” never left. It could have ruined me for the rest of my life.
As the days go by, I’m getting better. I’m beginning to trust others more. Although, I haven’t completely forgiven…I know someday I will.
*Special request*:
If you’re a teacher and witness one of your pupils being teased or made fun of, please don’t ignore it. I know how it feels to be ignored when you’re being wronged; it’s much too painful. Be the one that saves your student from a possible lifetime of hatred and insecurity. I don’t want anyone of those kids to be like me.
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Catherine Ponder
photo credit: Furryscaly
You are holding one of the most powerful forces on earth. Forgiveness.
I was also one of those teased and sometimes bullied kids. So many people have joyful memories of school, I remember just trying to survive it.
I discovered Catherine Ponder and her writing about forgiveness and releasing those people and they release you changed my life.
Great topic today. Sometimes I think I have forgiven everyone, but find there is still resentment that lurks in the dark corners. So I think forgiveness is a process. We just continue to do it and we continue to build lives of joy and wonder. Thanks John.
Erin´s last blog ..You Can Do It
It’s a small world. Even though I know I’m not alone, I never thought in a million years that you yourself were teased. It’s a bit of a shock.
Nonetheless, I’m glad you’ve decided accept the path of forgiveness, as I have. It’s not a quick fix, but you’re definitely heading in the right direction.
What a great challenge you are taking on, forgiveness! I feel like your post just really brought out some feelings I myself have had since my high school friends. I had a great group of girlfriends (or so I thought) and everything changed my freshman year of college.
Me and three girlfriends of mine decided to live together our first year in college at the age of 18. At the time we thought we were the closest friends could get and I was blinded by the drama that composed our relationships. After living together I was able to see how dysfunctional those relationships really were.
After two of my best friends got sent to rehab and completely changed as people I stopped becoming really close friends with girls and don’t know if to this day I’ve gotten over it. I can be super close with my guys friends but I’m always a little distant from girls and I really think it’s because of the disaster my relationships with my “best friends” turned out to be. I’ve already forgiven them, but I think I need to learn how to TRUST others now because I don’t want to miss out on anything.
Thank you for this reminder and sorry for rambling
Good luck to you and you should be proud of yourself!
Interesting story, Kristie. I think you have to start forgiving the female gender, even though a good number tend to be drama queens. Btw, what did they get sent to rehab for? O_O?
Before you can trust someone else, you must be able to forgive someone else. It’ll make trusting them that much easier.
Hi John! There is nothing like forgiveness to heal the past – and what a positive choice it is! Forgetting the hurt(s) will melt over time, like butter on warm toast.
I had an especially abusive childhood – it took me years to find forgiveness for my father. Hatred wears a hole in our hearts. I made the choice of forgiveness before I bled to death from it. I’ve never regretted that either.
It sounds like you have signed up for a class in “I Am Worthy of Love/Respect” and I’ve no doubt that you will pass with flying colors! Yay You!
Hugs
suZen
I’m sorry to hear about your abusive childhood. I’m glad you’re safe now and able to make positive choices for yourself. I’m even more happy that you made the right decision before you became cursed with a life of hatred.
Knowing forgiveness is a process, it’ll take some time (though much less than a year) for me to pass that class.
Thanks for this honest and beautiful post John. You are a real inspiration. Something that has helped me at times is the saying: “Only hurt people hurt” (or something like that!
) It’s just a reminder that if the other person was happy, they wouldn’t feel the need to behave badly towards others. It’s not an excuse, but has helped me try to understand other peoples bad behaviour. Well done on letting go of the past. 
I love how everyone always has great quotes to share.
I’ve learned that there is a reason for everyone’s current condition. Sometimes it’s necessary to think about how people end up a certain way, instead of instantly writing them off.
Thanks, Jen.
Here’s my question: Where are the parents? Yes, the parents…
Some kids will rebel no matter what the parents do, this is true. But I think it’s probably the exception. And I think not enough parents give their children a good, long talk telling them that you simply DON’T disrespect other people. And this talk should be repeated often. What happen to honor and dignity? I have to wonder if parents give this talk to their kids enough or at all. Something to think about. Something to do! Teasing others is disgraceful and no parent should tolerate that from their kids.
Bamboo Forest – PunIntended´s last blog ..7 Things I Wouldn’t Do For a Klondike Bar
Teasing can sometimes be all in good fun, but making someone regret who they are as people is NOT. Like you said, it all comes down to giving respect to others despite our differences. My mom gave me countless talks about respect and honor (still does to this day), but I have no knowledge of what American parents do (since my mother’s from Nigeria).
This post is lovely and so great John.
I love the fact that everytime you write, you always open yourself up in an almost intimidating way (which is great) and reveal such facts and truths that can bind us all. Reminding us how we are not so perfect, yet we are not bad people at all.
I can relate to you in this post on so many levels, I too know exactly how it feels when you get ignored for your opinions or words.
It is such a belittling experience, you feel as if your existence means absolutely nothing, and that somehow you deserve no attention and that it is fine that nobody notices you.
But I’ve realize different ever since after graduating high school, I’ve realize somewhat that I am important and that I deserve the things that I work for.
To be honest, I felt the same way as you did. As a defensive mechanism to really admit my inferiority to the people who ignored me, I told myself that I am better than them, that I will someday look them into their eyes and show how great I am with all of my excitement and achievements in life.
Now, I realize that is nothing but revenge, and revenge gets you to a place where you end up hating yourself more than you hate others. I live a life for myself, and I do the thigns that I genuiely love, I love the people that I sincerely care about.
It’s really a great post you got here John, you really are a very introspective person. You have a inner observer and reflector that is rare to find in most people, you know your faults and your virtues, that is the greatest gift in man – self consciousness.
Steven´s last blog ..Why You Shouldn’t Suppress Your Emotions
Steven, I write because there is more to humans than meets the eye. I find it fascinating that when I write (no matter how unique my situation seems to be) someone will garner understanding from it.
It’s astounding how similar we were in terms of our past experiences. Even your use of the word “revenge”; it’s literally spot on.
I’m happy you are now living a life all your own. Congrats on seeing the light- no doubt it will bode well in your future.
Your last paragraph is my favorite. Thank you.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by CJAnyasor: New at HiLife2B Hatred Only Serves to Hurt, Not to Help: A few nights ago, a friend told me something that I know … http://bit.ly/80kKPV...
Powerful post, John. And quite an epiphany for you. How sad that you’ve spent so much effort, conscious and subconscious dealing with these petty and inconsequential people.How wonderful that you recognize this and are able to move forward.
What we cannot change in life, changes us and makes us stronger.
CaZ´s last blog ..2 Chicks at Home Business Information Ruling the Roost, Part 3
Well, what can I say? What’s done is done. Life goes on. I’m happier now.
No doubt I’m stronger because of this experience. That’s the purpose of hardship.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Positively Present, John Anyasor, John Anyasor, Jay Schryer, Steven Zhao and others. Steven Zhao said: Hatred Only Serves to Hurt, Not to Help – http://b2l.me/dfbwz (via @CJAnyasor) [...]
Alright, as promised, I’m throwing up my little story here.
My experience was just like yours in high school (I’m a junior now, but my first two years were quite like this).
I, too, had the visions of the inevitable reunion where I’d be successful and they’d be nothing. Sometimes I think of them and know, deep down, that they might amount to nothing in life, and will be caught up in drug addictions and not be able to hold a steady job. For many of them, the future will be like that.
And, now, when I think of that possibility… I’m sad. They’re throwing their lives away! I get a little indignant, but not because I hate them… I genuinely feel sorry for their condition.
Now you probably think that I didn’t have it rough, but I did. I struggled with depression for a long time.
My last relationship (2 years ago; I was such an emotional wreck/there are so little good girls to date in my school) ended with my ex telling me that everyone hated me. EVERYONE. She was a little on the crazy side, but I still bought what she said. The next 2 months of my life were hell and I’m still recovering from the repercussions of that breakup since it split my social circle and turned most of them against me, as they were her friends before they were mine.
Those were the last real words we’ve said to each other, and for the past 180 school days I’ve seen her for an hour and a half, without fail.
That wasn’t it. I harbored a deep resentment for everyone else as a result – because, suddenly, everyone “hated” me just because I was smart, walked with a bit of a swagger, and was a good athlete. People tear down those that they’re jealous of. I had all the tools, and everyone hated me. Most of them still do, but I’ve got a solid circle of support, so I don’t mind all of them.
But, deep down, I let them get to me for so long. And yet… Without them, without the “hate” – real or imagined, I wouldn’t be where I am today. So, I thank them. And I really empathize with them. I don’t get satisfaction out of their failure. I get sad… And that’s where the difference lies: before, I met hate with hate. Now that’s not the case.
Nice post, mate. Takes a lot to step up to the plate and put your soul out there like you did.
Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..How To Disarm Fear
lol man we are too alike. You, Steven, and me – near exact replications of early high school. Well, since you’re still in it, don’t turn to hatred. It looks like you’ve already got the message though, and have faced plenty of hardships to learn from.
And when you say there are so little girls to date – you have no idea how right you are. It’s time to get new friends who like you for you. They’re out there; remember that. Thank your enemies and let them go their own way.
Also remember that for everything you gain, something else is lost. Though I gained an experience such as this, I’ve lost so much as well. Was it worth? Maybe so.
Powerful Post Bro. Keep on Keeping on!
Just continue to become a inspiration to others!
Jonathan Figaro´s last blog ..How to have a Great Day
Thanks Jonathan.
Hey, John! Your story (and Steven’s, and Brett’s, and countless others) are a BIG part of why I homeschool Hunter. I know how kids are, at every age… cruel. They look for even the tiniest difference to fixate on, amplify, and torture each other with.
Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but the way they treat each other, particularly in that gladiator arena (school) is just too much. And with parents no longer giving a rat’s ass about the “little incidents” that go on at school, and teachers having no authority whatsoever to do something about them, and kids packing heat, and…
OK, now I just sound paranoid. But stuff like the Columbine and VA Tech shootings comes from this very thing.
Anyway, I know your post wasn’t so much about the bullying, but the fact that YOU need to forgive and move on if you are ever to find any happiness and peace in your life. I completely agree. Holding a grudge just continues to give them power over you. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Indifference is the kiss of death. Move on. Live well. Be happy.
Lisis´s last blog ..Growing Up Gay in the Bible Belt
The thing about the teasing, despite my hatred for it, made me stronger. It forced me to face the reality that not everyone is on my side. I hope you be able to teach that cold, hard truth to Hunter, even though the best (but unfortunately more painful) way of learning it is through experience. A mother wants to protect her child, but cuddle him too much and he won’t understand what it takes to be free.
I can safely say, I’m a much happier person. Things are moving forward.
Hey John. I think most people go through what you’ve gone through. I remember in elementary school, I was picked on for being ethnically different. This was over ten years ago, but I still remember those images vividly in my mind today.
I learned that you can’t always hold onto grudges forever or you will always feel miserable. Thanks for sharing this, and I’m glad you are able to get over the hatred that’s been bothering you for so long.
Hulbert´s last blog ..13 Reasons to Stop Complaining
That is really unfortunate. Racism? Come on, people, grow up.
Anyways, I’m happy you’re in a better environment now. It must have been hard, but with hardship comes understanding. Luckily, you’re a better person now and much stronger. The world has taught us well.
Hatred has no power over me any longer. I feel so much happier as a result.
Forgetting bad experiences are very difficult. If I were in your shoes, I would also harbor hatred, after all, It’s all part of being a human. However, we must realize that the more we keep hate, the more we are punishing ourselves.
Perhaps we should ask our self this question: Does it bring us good to harbor hate?
Hatred only brings momentary relief. In the long run, it just eats our personality and makes us insecure. I’ve learned much from the hate I harbored, but living with it the rest of my life was something I could not allow.
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Great article. When someone treats you poorly or wrongly it is easy to hate them. But this usually doesn’t help to make anything better. And in some cases it might just be a misunderstanding.