Fear | HiLife2B

Posts tagged with fear

June 21, 2010

7 Steps to Getting Rid of Embarrassment Once and For All

“The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else was to be indifferent to that difference.” – Al Capp, great American cartoonist

At some point in our lives, we wind up speaking in front of a large crowd of people, wearing an untied shoe, or walking in the path of a lone tree branch. The opportunity just seems to present itself at the most inopportune times. One mispronunciation, one careless move, or one instance of delayed reaction time and:

STUTTER!

TRIP!

SMACK!

Like magic, the fluidity of our speech turns into choppy babble, the clip-clop of our stride turns into the stamp-stomp of a gorilla trying to regain its balance, and our simple daydream turns into a dizzying mess as we rub our bruised faces. Our confidence transforms into embarrassment.

Ouch.

Yup. I’ve been there and back, my friend. Along with the red face, frenzied eye moments, and loss for words, embarrassment is not a pretty thing to watch, let alone experience. Luckily for me, however, I’ve been in so many embarrassing situations, that I’m practically immune.

So that’s why I say this:

You can end your embarrassment once and for all.

To be blunt, not all of these tips will make you instantly embarrassment-free. Some will provide you with the quick fix you’re looking for, but others will take more practice and implementation in your daily life in order to get it just right. As with every other skill, getting rid of embarrassment requires you to put forth real, conscious effort. Now that my little forewarning is over, don’t worry about it. I’ll try and make these steps as clear and concise as possible:

1. Reflect on your embarrassing moments

Look back on your life and revisit your most embarrassing moments; the best (or worst) ones you can imagine. Remember how each moment made you feel, both before and after it happened. What were you in the process of doing before you were so rudely interrupted?

Then remember what happened the day after your embarrassing moment. Did anybody really remember it? If so, do you still feel hurt by it, or do you not care as much as you thought you did?

2. Come to terms with these moments

Another great way to beat embarrassment is to come to terms with those moments you’ve had in the past. The best way to do this is by sharing them with someone you trust. The blunders that I shared above (stuttering during a speech, tripping on my shoelace, and walking smack dab into a tree branch) are all things that have happened to me in the past. And while I do this in the form of a blog post, you can share your embarrassing stories in your own way. A story, a song, a poem, or another piece of artwork is fine, as long as you let it out.

Remember, life goes on and so should you.

3. In your moment of embarrassment, focus elsewhere

A great technique I’ve found to be useful is to simply concentrate on something else. Just this afternoon, I tripped up the stairs (how convenient for this blog post, right?). Instead of lamenting my little blunder, I gave a little chuckle, looked straight ahead, and kept going. What I focused on in that instant was where I was headed, but there are a near limitless amount of things you can place your focus on. Focusing on your breathing, or remembering a time when somebody else got embarrassed are good ones to use.

4. Embarrass yourself on purpose

This is one of the more advanced techniques I mentioned earlier. To intentionally put yourself in awkward situations requires a great amount of confidence, but is always rewarding once the moment is over. At first, it is a bit daunting (you’re being made a spectacle, I understand), but soon you’ll be well on your way to feeling absolutely confident no matter what embarrassing moment rears it head. Ready the yellow wet floor signs and untie those shoes. You haven’t got a moment to lose.

5. Ignore the moment until it passes

Put your mind at ease. Sure, everyone might be pointing and laughing. Maybe your speech got derailed for a bit. You may possibly be a bit bruised and red in the face. However, the most powerful thing you can do is to just blaze through it. As far as you know, you didn’t mess up. Did you trip and fall? That’s funny. You didn’t feel a thing.

6. Prevent the embarrassment before it happens

As the saying goes, “prevention is better than a cure”. Those words or wisdom still apply, as it is best to be prepared before a moment trips you up like walking across a wet floor with untied shoes. Watch where you’re going. Prepare for your interview. Bring money before you go to the store. Carry an extra shirt when you eat BBQ ribs and hot wings. And don’t forget to tie those laces. An embarrassment-free day is upon us now.

7. Accept yourself, embarrassing moments and all

Maybe you’re like me: just a weird person who can’t help but do potentially embarrassing things. Maybe you like screaming when you’re supposed to be quiet or adore going into a business conference cold turkey with a high probability of blowing it.

Join the club.

There’s something about someone who wants to get rid of embarrassment by trying these techniques. They must want to improve their lives and become more confident. But it’s another matter entirely when someone tries and succeeds in these tips and realizes that we are who we are.

To throw everything out of the window, and to accept yourself as unique and as something special: that is the moment when the embarrassment is truly gone.

photo credit: quinn.anya

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May 20, 2010

The Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Self-Starter

Becoming a self-starter has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Sometimes I ask myself why I didn’t think of this sooner.

No longer do I blame other people for my own personal hangups – I take responsibility for them myself.

No more do I feel like I’m doing what I do just because I have to. Far from it, actually; it’s because I want to.

No further do I feel like the only people who can become self-starters are of a special breed… because I too am one.

What a self-starter does

- If he/she has a certain itch – just wants to try something new – the self-starter won’t hesitate to do it

- sees things through to the end, no matter how hard they may seem. Unless he is failing and making mistakes at a much higher rate than he succeeds, there is no reason for the self-starter to give up

- tries his best to wake up at the crack of dawn and works until the darkness of the night on the things he enjoys doing

- sees the value in constructive, but not destructive criticism (in other words, feedback that builds up from, not reinforces, mistakes that’ve been made)

- gathers insight and creativity from any and all things

- sees work and play as one and the same

- constantly tests assumptions

- takes responsibility for his own life and actions

- does whatever it takes to GSD (get sh%t done!)

- batches the little things while focusing in on the really tough tasks

- searches for the simple solution every time

- follows these rules:

What a self-starter does NOT do

- take no for an answer, when it comes to attempting something remarkable

- putting time and effort into things that aren’t aligned with his goals

- take breaks longer than he works

- give up

- obsess over the little things

- let fear rule over him

- watches television for extended periods of time

- make a plan to follow, a direction to stay true to

Why be a self-starter, you ask? Simply put, because anything YOU start is through your efforts alone. Nobody is forcing you to live up to some ideal, or follow some questionable creed. No one can claim it (your life, your self, your work) – no one but you.

Rebel’s Manifesto stolen from Lance’s awesome blog post at the Jungle of Life, and credited to Keri Smith of the Wish Jar.

photo credit: stuartpilbrow

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April 22, 2010

Why There’s Nothing Wrong With Trying Something New

Your parents were probably the first people ever to tell you to try.

While you were laying down flat on the floor, content with crawling around on a pair of arms and knees, your parents were the ones who coaxed you to walk. For a time, you just stared at them like a deer in the headlights.

Eventually you gave in to their attempts to stand you up on two legs and robotically move your feet; you decided to try.

No doubt you were clumsy at first — your first attempts usually ended with bonking your head on the living room table or falling on your diaper-wearing butt. Puzzlement ensued nonetheless.

You probably just couldn’t get why it was so hard — you’ve seen how babies act after their first couple tries — they just revert back to crawling. But one thing you’ll notice is that after those depressing attempts they’ll watch you walk and even try standing without you coming to their aid.

For some reason, after trying, you seemed to want to walk. You tried it before, it wasn’t so bad, but now you wanted to perfect it. The cycle generally continued in this manner:

You wobble to your feet. You stand tall. You take a step and fall.

You wobble some more. You stand tall. You take a few more steps and boom.

You master the art of standing. You take a few steps and actually walk… until another table seems to come out of nowhere.

Then one day, your movements become automatic. You stand up. You stand tall. You walk. And you never crawl again… okay maybe you do sometimes.

This is not a post about babies – my point

We have been encouraged to try new things since the early days of our lives. Everyone has had firsts: first walk, first friend, first piece of candy, first day of school, college, work, etc.

But for some reason, when we reach a certain age, trying becomes something to be looked down upon. In our young years of adulthood, the act of trying new things become synonymous with the act of being weird. Or being stupid. Or being “a deluded dreamer”. These days, you can’t suggest anything resembling a pipe dream unless you want to be criticized.

Since when is it a bad thing to want to try things out of the ordinary? I’m well aware that using walking to support my point isn’t the best example. But why do the things we want to do have to have already been done by everybody else in order for us to do it?

I’ll tell you why. Because somewhere along the line of our existence, we’ve become afraid to try. The curiosity we used to have as children has become rationalized into fear. We’ve come from thinking,

“Hmm, I wonder what will happen if I do this?”

“Holy crap! There’s no way in hell I’m doing that! What if (insert wimpy excuse here).”

It doesn’t make sense not to try

I understand there are evolutionary reasons for this. We shouldn’t jump off a bridge to see for ourselves if we can fly. And it probably isn’t a the best idea to try and mimic what you see on TV. I mean, you don’t want to get seriously injured, right?

But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try things that might prove exciting for you. How about just one day deciding to go to Brazil for no reason other than to see what happens? How about talking to that one girl you’re probably never talk to if you don’t try?

How about taking a chance and hoping for the best?

Because honestly, there is no downside. There may be some collateral damage (anything from a bruised ego to some broken bones, depending on what you try — I do not advocate life-threatening stunts), but the results are well worth it.

The way I see it, you can gain:

1. A new life lesson

2. A good story to share

Go out there and take a chance

You only have one life. Everybody knows this and we still act like it’s a lie. What are you waiting on and saving for the future? Why are you drawing up plans for something so simple? When will that “maybe later” turn into “let’s do it right now”?

Become an advocate of living life like it is your last. It honestly does make a difference. Even now, I’m spending my night writing for all of you. Is my life exciting? When I’m writing, you bet it is. Can it get more exciting? Come along for the ride (i.e. subscribe to this blog), and you’ll find out.

Here’s my permission: I’m telling you to try. Keep trying new things until your life runs well out; because that’s what we should be doing, each and every day.
photo credit: fdecomite

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April 5, 2010

Why “Just Doing It” Won’t Conquer Your Fears

It was just moments before my part in the show was about to start. My part was predicted to last an entire two minutes. The time before waiting for my chance to perform would feel like two hours. Eventually, my time to shine arrived. The music played, the light was on us, and I felt ready. The time to act was now.

Let me back up a bit

At our university, there’s an annual Indian culture event called Jashan that’s run by SASA (the South Asian Students Association). And every year, the members of the association serve Indian food and perform in front of a live audience. As expected, the food is good, and the dance numbers are awesome. I already knew that it would be a crime for me NOT to go.

The dilemma

Unfortunately, the show cost $12. Twelve whole dollars. Me being the frugal guy I am, didn’t want to pay twelve dollars to eat a limited amount of food and sit in a stuffy auditorium for three hours. I asked my good friend who’s performing in the show to get me in for free, but it couldn’t be helped. EVERYONE had to pay to get in. It seemed that all hope was lost. But then…

The phone call that changed my life

It was about noon or so when my friend called me up to offer me a deal. The conversation went a bit like this:

Friend: Hey, you still want to grab a free dinner.

Me: Free dinner? Yeah, definitely.

F: Great…but you have to do me a favor.

Me (skeptically as always when favors are asked of me): What is it?

F: You have to carry this girl shirtless on the day of the show.

Me: Hahaha… Sure, fine, I’ll do it.

Ah, yes. I’m quite impulsive when it comes to free stuff – especially when it involves getting a free meal just for carrying a girl with my shirt off for five minutes.

This aren’t always as they seem

I didn’t think about it at the time, but I was pretty scared of being shirtless in front of a massive crowd. When I got to rehearsal, my confidence quickly turned to nervousness. Oddly enough, the nervousness itself then led to more nervousness. How would I fix this issue before the day of the show?

Coming around full circle

It seemed that my “just do it” attitude hadn’t served me in the most comforting of ways. The act of “just doing it” seems to leave out the fact that people have hesitation that sometimes cripples their actions. If I was going to get the confidence to walk tall and shirtless amidst hundreds of viewers, I had to be ready. And, most importantly, I had to tame my fear.

Here are some things I did to help ease both my body and mind before opening night:

1. I rehearsed

To conquer your fears, you must prepare even though you think what you’re about to do will be a piece of cake. Like I said, carrying a girl is easy, but it was the exposure to the audience that I was worried about. So, as with anything worth rehearsing for, I practiced. I got familiar with the entire layout of the place. The stage, the seats, the “understage” (as I like to deem the underground backstage); I knew where everything was like the back of my hand. I got comfortable with where I would be walking as well: didn’t want to trip on anything on my way to the stage.

2. I had prior experience being shirtless

By this I mean, I had experiences being shirtless in front of a crowd. Swimming pools, locker rooms, and water parks gave me the confidence needed to pull of this act. Okay, maybe these experiences weren’t that important, but I could’ve been more scared if they hadn’t happened, right? When it comes to conquering your fears, every little experience you have with it counts. Don’t minimize the impact of what a small amount of exposure can do.

3. Finally, I just did it

Understand that “just doing it” came in at the end of the preparation process. But even with those rehearsals and practices behind me, I found myself still a bit wary on the night of the show. I didn’t get it. Five minutes before we were on, I stood there racking my brain, accruing adrenaline while I asked myself repeatedly, “Why do I even care? Let’s do this.”

Suddenly, the music started to play. We were on. Instantly I was in a trance. Not even hearing the audience, but only internalizing the calming music. I was invincible. I was unstoppable. I…was shirtless guy number 1!

Here’s a picture of my very tiny part in the Indian culture show (lower right). As you can see, my back’s turned.

photo credit: Finizio

photo credit: Lim En

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January 25, 2010

The Laundry List of False Motivations

I once tried to use money as a motivator. It could not help me.

I once tried to use power as a motivator. It could not help me.

I once tried to use fear as a motivator. It helped to control me.

I once tried to use hatred as a motivator. It only served to make me bitter.

I once tried to use women as a motivator. It could not help me.

I once tried to use my parents’ happiness as a motivator. I could not agree with their methods to achieve success.

I once tried to use numbers/statistics as a motivator. I reached my goals, but I never knew what those numbers meant.

I once tried to use indifference as a motivator – in effect, I wouldn’t care about the outcome. I always hit the mark, but you can guess about how I felt afterward.

Now something more powerful than all of these combined motivates me. It’s a culmination of my ultimate vision, my desires, my achievements, my family, my friends, my rivalries, my happiness, my pain, my struggles, my inspirations, my favorite stories, my mentors, my stubbornness, my will, and my faith.

I use passion for the goodness of my life as a motivator. I haven’t regretted anything since.

P.S. For those of you wrote comments, sent me tweets, and wrote me mail…thank you. It helped me.
photo credit: purpleslog

15 comments

December 21, 2009

Hesitation and I Will Never Get Along

I see something I want. I hesitate. I see another thing I want. I hesitate. My mind wants it so badly, but my body keeps rejecting it. Why? Why am I this way?

Should I not do everything I can to go after that which I desire? Why is there so much hesitation?

I hate the hesitation. I hate what it does to me. When it cripples my efforts, how I feel afterwards, is beyond mere textual description. It’s another opportunity gone. Another door closed. Another possibility made impossible…

I’ve heard it been called a “defense mechanism”. It’s supposed to protect us from things that’ll pose a threat to our existence. But last time I checked, talking in front of an audience wassn’t life threatening. Still, at least according to Steve Pavlina’s podcast, people fear public speaking more than death. Why?

Is the hesitation that powerful that we have to give up our lives to it? I can’t accept that. We shouldn’t accept that.

If hesitation is so powerful, then how are people still able to take risks? Do they drug themselves in order to “lessen the blow”? Do they wait until the “perfect moment”? Do they just wake up miraculously ready? Well, I certainly hope not.

I don’t know about you, but nearly every good opportunity I’ve been presented with that has been ruined by hesitation has caused me nothing but my annoyance and regret. I can’t stand hearing myself speaking phrases including the “what ifs” or the “somedays”. I live for the “Remember that time when I…” moments.

What do you want? Seriously, what do you want in life? What do you desire the most? Now it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of what you want. It’s your desire.

Are you hesitating? Are you fearful of asking for an extension on a mortgage payment? Too afraid to ask your boss for a day off to relax with the kids?

If you answered yes, very good. If you answered no, kudos to you to.

The ones who said yes at least acknowledge the problem. The ones who answered no are either happy as heck or lying to me. (Nothing I can do about that, so, moving on…)

For those of us who hesitate, ask yourself this. How would your life be if you never did what you wanted? Think of how you’d feel if never reached for it. The only question that should be going through your mind is “What if I NEVER do it?”

Got the answer? Good.

Now proceed to go for your desire with everything you’ve got.

photo credit: FilmNut

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December 17, 2009

How to Annihilate (or Deal With) Your Greatest Fears

I’m not a fearful man. Even if I was asked, I wouldn’t be able to provide you with a long list of fears. Am I afraid of the dark? No, not a big issue, to say the least. Without darkness there can be no light. Not to say that I would walk out alone at 2:00 am to prove my fearlessness. I’m fearless, not stupid.

Am I afraid of death? I figure, why should I bother? Death will come for all of us, one way or another. There can be no beginning (birth) without an end (death). Again, this doesn’t mean I would willingly jump into an ocean (can’t swim…yet) or skydive without a parachute. I’m fearless, not stupid.

And even if we, as a whole, get startled by the little things (bumps in the night, lightning, mosquitoes landing on us, embarrassment) it doesn’t necessarily mean we’re afraid of them. It just means we haven’t been exposed to it enough.

If I was struck by lightning 26 times and lived, you can bet if lightning struck a tree a few miles away, I wouldn’t even flinch. I’d probably chuckle.

But the thing is, there are some things we can’t simply get used to. You can’t just have a couple hundred near-death experiences and expect to become comfortable with death; mostly because somewhere in between those near-death experiences, you might actually die.

Sometimes all it takes to get rid of or deal with your fears is to:

- Accept your fear; actually acknowledge that you are afraid

- Witness someone else overcome/deal with it

- Take a logical course of action

Rather than merely suggest a solution, I’m taking this approach with a few of my greatest fears as well.

Talking the talking, but never walking the walk

This is something I’ve been scared of for a long time. I’d say I’d become all of these things (entrepreneur, world traveler, rock start, etc.) but at the end of my four years in college, I’d have completed none of them. I fear never really achieving ANY of my goals. Telling everyone my intentions seems like a bold thing to do, but if I never get around to doing any of them, what’s the point?

Solution: I’ve decided that it’s much better to walk the walk at the same time I talk the talk. That way, I have something to show for my efforts, and I don’t have to worry about getting something done – I’ve already started .

Walking the walk, but feeling like I have to act a certain way

It’s like when you become an authority (through blogging or otherwise). You get all this exposure, it’s great and all, but there’s still this pressure to “act right”. To not immature. I can just picture someone saying me, “You own a business, for Pete’s sake. Act like it!”

Solution: I have to realize that nobody’s perfect. If I ever become an authority, I won’t compromise who I am for what others want me to be. Gary Vaynerchuk is himself every time he does a video on WineLibraryTV. I’m not saying he’s immature, but he’s definitely not your everyday, successful person. He’s just being himself.

And for a very random fear:

Big, fat, furry, black and yellow…bees

Over the summer, I was checking the mail (just one of my many exciting summer highlights) and I heard the sound of an electric razor on the porch. I was like “What? Is that…” Just a slight turn of my head and I found myself mere feet away from an enormous black and yellow monstrosity.

“WHOA!” I yelled. I scrambled into the house, trembling with fear. When I looked out it was still there. Flying. In a circle. I kept thinking to myself, “How can something that huge stay in the air?” Since then, it returned infrequently during the summer.

Solution: When that thing returns next summer, I’ll have to be ready. Maybe I’ll let it land on me. Who knows? Insects are known to be pretty friendly. And even if it did sting me, I’m bigger and stronger. One sting and that bad boy’s toast.

Or I could just watch this video over and over again:

Ah, I feel better already…

How are you dealing with your greatest fears? Do you have a fear you just can’t seem to deal with (or get rid off)? The lines are open…

*Aside* Check out my very first interview at Steven’s personal development blog, Human Explosion. I have to admit, I look pretty awesome rockin’ out as a stick figure

photo credit: arka D

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7 Steps to Getting Rid of Embarrassment Once and For All